Nikolay Lakutin
Operational bachelorette party. Comedy. А play for 5 people
Xana (Bele). And why is this happening?
Bela doesn't know, shakes her head in incomprehension.
Damira (to Bela). Yes, because all the moves, all the tackles and courtship are very quickly studied by each other. And no normal person will read the book again. It's not interesting anymore!
Xana (philosophically). Immediately – it will not be! But after a while, if the book is your favorite – then with pleasure! It can be re-read and re-read …
Damira (Bele). And even discover some new moments in it that I hadn't paid attention to before!
Xana (with experience, Bele). Yes! And that's great! But only if, between rereading the same book, you still read something else! Do you understand?
Bela (cautiously, trying to understand). Well… With books, perhaps, I agree. But it's different with people!
Damira (to Bela). Yes, exactly the same. It's just that you've already read books in your life, and you probably haven't known a long-term relationship yet.
Bela (reluctantly agreeing). Well. I didn't know. Yes, even short-term, I didn't know. What is there… Month.
Damira hugs Bela.
Damira (to Bela, sympathetically). Poor thing!
Xana (with experience, Bele). Therefore, reading something else is not a whim. This is a necessity. Otherwise, any "cuckoo will move out". Flipping through the same worn pages all my life. Okay – you! It is strange that this simple truth is not understood by a huge number of women! And then they go to family psychologists, trying to find out why they lost interest in a man, just like him, by the way.
Bela (shocked). Heck! What? Is everything really that complicated?
Xana (with experience, Bele). It's really that simple!
Damira (to Bela, in a friendly way, with warmth). Unless we complicate it ourselves!
Xana (with a sly smile, Bele). But the whole problem is that we sooooooooooo love to complicate!
Damira (nodding approvingly, supporting Xana, releasing Bela from her embrace). That's for sure!
A rude male voice of a respectable age, director Damira, is heard, at which all three girls turn around.
The director's voice (furious). Damira! What's that supposed to mean? Come quickly to my office!
The girls look at each other with a confused, drunken look.
The director's voice (furious). Quick, I said!
Damira and Xana exchange a sly wink.
Damira turns around at the director's voice.
Damira (easily and naturally). Fuck you!
Bela (unexpectedly for everyone, quickly taking the initiative, shouts emotionally towards the director's voice). Old goat!
Silence.
Damira and Xana look at Bela with a surprised, confused smile.
The angry stomp of the director is heard.
The girls jump out of their seats.
Xana (quickly, to the girls). Let's go! Valim-Valim-Valim-Valim!!!
The musical theme sounds.
Damira and Bela promptly, with laughter and enthusiasm, leave the cafe.
Xana manages to throw the bill on the table (calculation), after which she promptly leaves the cafe after Damira and Belaya.
ZTM.
Scene 2. Makhach.
Street.
The musical theme continues to sound.
The light turns on smoothly.
Drunk, Lisa and Angelina come out in an embrace. They laugh, interrupt each other.
The music ends.
Lisa (through laughter). You're just a jerk, Gel, just a jerk!
Angelina (through laughter, interrupting). Come on… noooooo. I'm quiet!
Lisa (through laughter). Yes, it's still necessary to think of it, to throw it out!
Angelina (through laughter, interrupting). Yes… Come on, really… It somehow turned out that way. I'm even-even.
Lisa (calming down). So stop!
They stop.
Angelina tries to calm down, looks attentively at Lisa.
Angelina (calming down). I'm standing. So? Well?
Lisa (with interest, peering into Angelina's eyes). Well?
Angelina (with incomprehension). What?
Lisa (with interest, peering into Angelina's eyes). Well…, you called, said you had news! And the news was never reported!
Angelina (slapping her forehead). Damn right! I didn't say that. Yes, it's because while I was coming to you, I met these twins from Dolgoprudny, well… everything flew out of my head. No, Lee, just imagine. With two twins, just like that between cases at a time! But it didn't portend anything!
Lisa (eagerly, with interest, peering into Angelina's eyes). So! Stop, stop, stop! Stop teasing me! And already I want to howl like a wolf from the fact that not me, but you, these brothers met.
Angelina (teasing and showing her tongue). Aaaaaaaaa!
Lisa (eagerly, with interest, peering into Angelina's eyes). Gel! Christmas tree winders. Are you going to tell your news, or what?
Angelina (more or less seriously). Yes. I'll tell you. However, the news, to put it mildly, is somewhat shocking.
Lisa (eagerly, with interest, peering into Angelina's eyes). Well?
With noise, laughter and a rush, a crowd of cheerful girls escaping from the cafe falls out. Damira, Xana and Bela.
Lisa and Angelina are distracted by this "gang" that has appeared.
Xana (through laughter, getting tangled in her own legs, Bela). Here you are, Squirrel, burned off! (Parodying.) Old goat!
All three of them are laughing.
Bela (excusing herself through laughter). That's right.... Missis said he was an old goat. Here I am....
Damira (through laughter, Bele). Actually, I said he was an old bastard! But that doesn't beg for his goat qualities!
All three of them are laughing.
Xana (through laughter, barely able to stand on her feet, Bela). And you're quite a thing. Drunk is not such a good girl.
The trio, in passionate discussions, knocks Lisa and Angelina on their way. They simply do not notice them and, touching their shoulders, simply demolish them. They themselves pass on with their merry crowd.
Angelina falls, having managed to "Gasp".
Lisa stays on her feet, turns around after the offenders, puts her hands on her sides belligerently and defiantly addresses them.
Lisa (cheekily, to the merry trio). Hey, nipples! Come on, stop! All around! And rushed quickly here!
The trio turns around, look at Lisa unfriendly.
Angelina (from the floor, cautiously, to Lisa). Lee, I'm asking you, just don't be nervous!
Lisa calms her friend, putting her palms forward, saying, "everything is fine."
Xana (Bela and Damire). Girls, do the three of us have sound hallucinations? Or was I the only one who heard it?
Lisa (defiantly, to Xane). You didn't hear that. Come here, chicken, I need to grind something!
Xana (with bold irony, Bela and Damire). Did she call me a chicken?
Bela and Damira nod cautiously to Xana.
Xana leaves her friends, boldly goes to Lisa.
Xana (to Lisa, boldly, arrogantly). Listen, girl. I have something to tell you. But… to make my speech sound most eloquent, perhaps I will express myself like this.
Xana begins to clear her throat thoroughly and sonorously and suck "into a bunch" everything she can pick up from the nasopharynx, after which she massively spits "all collected" in Lisa's face.
Angelina, Damira and Bela frown in disgust.
Angelina begins to rise.
Angelina (with resignation). Well, that's it! Kaaaaaabzdets!
Lisa (calmly, judiciously, slowly wiping her face). Oh…, yeah! The message is very eloquent. Emok, is thorough and reasoned! But I, perhaps, will provide my counterargument to this argument. And it will look something like this.
Angelina, being in amazing calm, covers her face with her hands, in anticipation of what will happen now (and she knows what will happen now.)
Lisa with a sharp swing of her foot to the jaw (if stretching does not allow the actress, then it is possible from the hand) "takes out" Xana.
Xana flies past Bela and Damira and falls. He lies motionless, silent, modest. Eyes closed.
Damira and Bela, having assessed the situation, roll up their sleeves.
Damira (to Lisa, boldly, boldly, sarcastically). That's it, fairy, hold on. Now I'm going to fix your hair!
Damira belligerently steps on Lisa, and even makes several swings, from which Lisa easily and professionally dodges, after which she also casually knocks Damira out.
Damira falls next to Xana. He lies amicably, side by side, silently, with his eyes closed.
Lisa (complacently). From the age of twelve in Aikido!
Lisa "steps" on Bela. Bela runs away. Lisa, seeing Bela's weakness, smiles triumphantly. Turns around and goes to Angelina. Friends beat off "pyatyunya".
But as it turned out – it's too early!
With the belligerent cry of non-contact Indians (this is when you shout, and cover your mouth with your palm every second, you get an intermittent scream), Bela flies at Lisa and Angelina with a brick in her hand.
Angelina and Lisa take off. They run away.
All three of them disappear from sight.
There is a throw and a resounding fall of a brick, accompanied by Lisa's screeching.
Angelina runs out, and Bela rushes after her, every now and then, hanging "podzhopniki" to Angelina.
Bela (in the process of enthusiastically hanging "pendels"). From the age of six in Biryulyovo!
The girls disappear from view.
A musical theme sounds.
ZTM.
Scene 3. Debriefing
In Xana's apartment.
The musical theme continues to sound.
The light turns on smoothly.
Xana and Damira are sitting on the floor next to the lying Lisa, putting their hands to the bruised places on their bodies, Lisa begins to recover, rises, sits down immediately on the floor, is surprised to find that she is in an unknown place, in the company of someone with whom she did not expect to see herself.
The music ends.
Lisa (relatively calmly). Where am I?
Xana (with a certain wariness). In my house. Welcome. And this… Chur, I can't take out the jaw anymore! (Xana adjusts her lower jaw with her hand.) I didn't like it!
Damira (with Xana's support). Me, too, by the way.
Damira stretches her jaw, opening her mouth wide every now and then.
Lisa (looking at the girls, trying to remember them). .... So. (Xane.) Oh, so it was you who spat in my face yesterday!
Xana (to Lisa). Yes, because you publicly insulted me.
Lisa (to Xane). Yes, because you and your girlfriends knocked down my girlfriend and almost knocked me down.
Xana (to Lisa). A.... because we didn't notice you. It wasn't on purpose.
Lisa (to Xane). Well, it wasn't on purpose, so it was necessary to apologize, and the conflict would have been settled.
Xana (to Lisa). How to apologize when you didn't let me say a word, I immediately switched to insults. What kind of apologies are there?
Lisa (to Xane). And how was I supposed to behave? To say in a pleading tone: Dear girls, would you deign to hold your friendly race in order to apologize to us for the embarrassment you have done?
Ksana and Damira look at each other, a smile slips on their faces.
Xana lets go of the situation. He extends a friendly hand to Lisa.
Xana (to Lisa, extending her hand for acquaintance and reconciliation). Okay, it's fine. I'm Xana, you can have Xia. This is Damira. (He points to Damira.) You can be a King. (Looks at Damira.) Can I?
Damira (dismissing the situation). Can.
Lisa (shaking hands with Xana and shaking hands with Damira). Let's get acquainted. I'm Lisa. My friends' name is Lee.
Xana (looking at the girls). So what? Peace, friendship, gum?
Lisa and Damira (chorus). Yes!
Xana (looking at the girls). Let's have pinky fingers then.
The girls are all three grappling with their little fingers.
Lisa and Damira, Xana (chorus). Put up! Put up! And don't fight anymore!
They open their little fingers, smile.
Lisa (with interest). Listen, girls, how did I get here in the first place?
Xana (to Lisa). Missis and I dragged you in.
Lisa (with interest). I don't understand! From where? What for?
Damira (calmly explaining). A.. m…, after you knocked us out with Ksyu, we came to our senses, and there is no Squirrel next to us. Let's go look.
Xana (calmly, to Lisa). And they found you.
Lisa (with interest). Me? Where?
Damira (explaining with difficulty). Yes, literally… How to explain something…
Xana (calmly, to Lisa). Yes, this, in general, is not the point. We had a fight yesterday. We thought that the Squirrel was also lying somewhere, after "communicating" with you. But we didn't find her. And they just found you lying down. Well, since it all happened nearby and I live closest to everyone, they dragged you here to me, hoping that you would recover and tell me where our friend is.
Lisa (trying to catch the thread). Ah… I see. And who is a Squirrel?
Damira (explaining). Squirrel, this is Bela. Our friend.
Xana (calmly, to Lisa). Who was with us. The third!
Lisa (understanding what's what). Ah, a fan of the game "Catch up with me brick, I'm naked and I don't play anymore."
Xana and Damira look at each other in incomprehension.
Damira (to Lisa with interest). I mean…
Xana (guessing, to Lisa). So that's what… Did she hit you with a brick or something?
Lisa (skeptically, stroking the back of her head). Well yes. That's the last thing I remember… Until the moment I got here.
Damira (surprised).
Xana (surprised). Ah yes Squirrel. And she seemed such an innocent goat.
Lisa (cheerfully). No, no! A specific goat! Tested personally!
All three of them smile, giggle softly.
Xana (busily, to Lisa). Sooooo! Well, then where is the Squirrel now? And the other one who was with you?
Lisa (cheerfully skeptical). I don't know where your Squirrel is. And my friend Gelya, for sure, is also lying somewhere with a broken head somewhere.
Damira (to the girls). Shall we go looking?
Lisa (to Damire). Have you tried calling this Squirrel of yours?
Xana (to Lisa). Of course, they called. How many times. But, the phone is not answering. The beeps go on, but no one picks up the phone. Try calling your friend there.
Lisa (with understanding). Yes. I'm going to dial the Gel. I think that everything will clear up.
Lisa takes out her smartphone, calls Angelina.
The phrase on duty is heard:
The phrase on duty (loudly so that all the audience can hear). The subscriber's device is turned off or is outside the network coverage area.
Lisa resets the call, writhes, rubs the bruised place on her head.
Lisa (thoughtfully). I don't like all this at all.
Xana (in a friendly way, to Lisa). Lee, Missis is talking business. We have to go look for it!
Lisa (agreeing). Agree. Let's go.
A musical theme sounds.
The girls get up, get better, put themselves in order and go in search of girlfriends.
The music ends.
ZTM.
