Nikolay Lakutin
It was almost there. A play for 4 people. Comedy
Scene 7. Guests.
Positive loud music!
Nina and Oleg's apartment.
Nina and Oleg joyfully greet the guests who have just entered (Irina and Danila).
Oleg in a kitchen apron, hands in flour. Nina in a beautiful party dress. Danil is dressed in a strict style, dark suit. Irina in a provocative dress, heels. The face is painted, it looks very impressive.
Danil (fervently). Hello, Aborigines! What do they give you to devour? In the sense of being treated?
Irina (making excuses for her husband). Don't pay attention to your husband's stupid jokes. (He talks enthusiastically.) He's on a roll today. We enter the elevator in the shopping center. There are about six more people with us. The doors close, Danil turns to everyone, busily so, in a boorish, burnt voice (Parodies the conductor of public transport.) So, let's go in, we'll pay for the fare!
Danil, Oleg, Nina are smiling.
Irina (indignantly). Yes, the main thing is, convincingly so! A couple of people even reached for their wallets.
Danil (positively, to his wife). Yes, you yourself reached into your pocket so-and-so.
Irina shoves her husband in the side. Indignantly whispers something to him. But their incipient altercation is interrupted by Nina and Oleg, who quickly change the situation. They approach the guests, warmly welcome them.
Everyone is hugging, rejoicing.
Oleg happily pats Danil on the back, leaving quite impressive white flour stains and handprints on his jacket (on the back).
But no one pays attention to this (except the audience). Irina delicately kisses Oleg on the cheek, serves the cake she brought. Danil takes out wine and sweets, which he also prepared for the event.
Irina (to Oleg, happily). Well, cook, it's from our table to yours. And you go brag about cookies! I feel it smells like cooking, but… (Looks around.) I don't see it yet. Stashed cookies, huh? Come on, drag it here, we'll taste it!
Oleg accepts the gifts, puts everything on the table, goes to the kitchen for cookies.
Nina seats the guests, arranges everything on the table, on which everything is already cooked, except cookies.
From the kitchen comes the rumble of iron sheets, basins, dishes…
Oleg (shouts from the kitchen). Nina! Why did you put the sheets like that? At least she would have told me! Go help me soon. I grounded the cookies!
Nina rushes into the kitchen, Irina runs away with her to help.
Upset, dumbfounded screams of wives are heard.
Oleg returns from the kitchen, annoyed, wipes his hands with a rag, nervously throws off his apron, throws it aside along with the rag.
Danil (with a trick). What are you raging about?
Oleg (nervously). Yes, something went wrong with this cookie in the morning. Immediately you need a certain mood and condition. And Nina and I had a bit of a fight, well… here is the result, in general.
Danil (with interest). And what did they say?
Oleg (nervously). Stupid reason. They quarreled over flour. I like to make cookies from second-grade flour, cereals are still preserved in it.
Danil looks from under his brows, does not understand.
Oleg (explaining, seeing the misunderstanding). Well, useful trace elements. And Nina insisted that I make from the first grade. The flour is whiter, they say, and the quality is better and the look and everything else… You can't "lose face" in front of the guests.
Danil (with interest). So, what's the end result?
Oleg (displeased). And in the end, out, all the cookies on the floor. (He waves it off, changes the subject.) Ay, God be with him.
Oleg notices his friend's white back, approaches, shakes off his jacket.
Danil (surprised). What's there?
Oleg (with a smile, shaking off traces of flour). Yes, I have soiled you… somebody… Everything is almost fine. How are you?
Danil (positively). Yes, yesterday…
Danil looks cautiously towards the kitchen, continues the story a little quieter.
Danil (with a hitch, taking Oleg aside). I went to the store yesterday, bought one big cake, so I wanted something. He brought it home, then (withstands a very short pause – intrigue), and devoured it! In one haryu! While mine was not at home.
Oleg (with a friendly smile). What, right into one? How's the duck?
Danil (positively, proudly). Just like a duck! Like the last schmuck! In one helmet! Let him know who is the boss in the house!
Men shake hands with pride and solidarity.
Danil (casually). Then, of course, he immediately covered up all traces. I threw away the packaging, collected all the crumbs so as not to burn.
Oleg (with a friendly smile and sarcasm). Yeah, man! Man!
Danil (hot-tempered). Yes, he will come, after all, he will go broke! And I've been putting up with her nasty voice for so many years. (Skeptically, with mockery.) I found myself, a princess, a Christmas tree. And you can't take your eyes off, and the speech flows like a little river murmuring… However, however, if this river Ganges, then it is quite appropriate.
Oleg (with a friendly smile). Look, come on, it's not that bad! Although the Ganges is the dirtiest river in the world, it is considered clean in a Spiritual sense.
Danil (skeptically, loudly). I'm begging you! I found a pure Soul…
the ladies are returning. Nina carries cookies on a plate, puts it on the table.
Nina (positively). Well, part of the cooking still managed to be saved!
Irina begins to show a keen interest in the last phrase she heard.
Irina (with interest). And what's there, what's there? At the expense of clean Souls?
Danil (to his wife, everything is as in spirit, indignantly). Yes, there, Oleja says that you are a pure Soul. And I'm trying to explain to him that you're a fiend from hell!
Irina (indignantly, to her husband). Tyyyyy! Lupen! What kind of numbers are these! You should protect and praise your wife, not humiliate her, and in public. Here's Oleja – well done, and you're not a husband, but outright shit!
Danil (positively, philosophically, walking around). So… heh… Did I have a chance to be different, next to you. With whom you will lead, you will gain from that.
Irina (indignantly). What an asshole!
Danil (making faces and mimicking his wife). Oh, oh, oh. I'm all such a foo what, and she's a pure queen. Yes, if I tell you about you, Oleg and Nina's hair will stand on end, including in the most indecent places!
Oleg (with a friendly smile, Danilo). Don't worry about the latter. They're not there!
Nina (embarrassed, to Oleg). Oleeeg, well, why are you really…
Irina (looking reproachfully at her husband, pointing admiringly at Oleg). Here! Man! He does everything according to his mind! (Continuing to vilify her husband, addressing him directly, fiercely.) And if you want to know, hygiene is an elementary respect for a partner! And it's elementary to ask you to wash your feet – it's to shoot yourself! (To Oleg and Nina.) We only brush our teeth for the New Year, and about everything else… Uuuu… That the monkey is in the jungle, that my Danil – there is no special difference.
Danil is clowning around, portraying a macaque (a macaque's waddling gait, one hand up, the other down, the hands dangle freely).
Danil (pretending to be a macaque). U-a-u-a-a.
Irina (looking at her husband). Vo-vo!
Danil (boldly, confidently). Yes, if you say it, then say it to the end, and don't take it out of context. (To Oleg and Nina.) Do you know why she's so worried about hygiene? Do you think she's so exalted and refined? High society? Nifiga! The reason is banal and transparent. The same as the courtesans in the recent past. All this is just so that you don't get any animals during your festivities.
Irina (boldly, to her husband). Shut your mouth!
Nina (surprised, to Irina, pointing to Danil). Irishe, I don't understand what he's talking about, huh?
Irina (leaving the subject). Oh, nothing. He talks about anything, idiot.
Danil (to Nina, with a sly face). Ninulchik? Don't you know? Oleg didn't tell you? So I'll enlighten you. Zhinka is mine, she is…
Irina (to her husband, audaciously). I told you to shut your mouth! I'll help you now!
Oleg (smoothing the corners). Let's change the subject, or I'll leave now. I don't want to listen to these squabbles of yours.
Danil (to Oleg, calming down). Yes, please! Let's talk about cars. Irka won, she went to study for her driver's license. And she's a hell of a rider. She has learned to hum, and everything else is difficult for her! So, guys, when he gets his license, you call me first before you go outside. If she's not on the road, then you're more or less safe.
Oleg (waving his hand in resignation and leaving). Uh, no, guys, that's not what we agreed. Sort things out without me!
Oleg leaves.
Irina (to Nina, with a sly face). Ninul, dear, please give me a cake.
Nina (not understanding Irina's insidious plan yet). Yes, yes, I'm just going to cut it into pieces. Wait, I'll go get the knife.
Nina takes a couple of steps towards the kitchen.
Irina (to Nina, with a sly face). No, no, you can't do with a piece here (Glaring at her husband.) You need a whole cake for such a mess. Come on as it is, now I'll treat my own, up to the tonsils.
Danil (with attacks on Irina). Who are you going to treat here? Come here, treater. (To Nina.) Ninochka, where is the toilet here? My wife urgently needs to wash her head thoroughly, otherwise I see that the brain is completely clogged, she does not see the shores.
Danil steps on Irina. It's bad.
Irina gets scared. The situation is starting to take a serious turn.
Nina, seeing this, pounces on Danil, tries to hold him back.
There is an awkward struggle between Danil and Nina. Danil, of course, gradually breaks out and is about to overtake his wife.
Nina (trying to restrain Danila, shouts to Irina). Irka, run!!!
Intriguing music sounds.
Irina runs away after Oleg.
Danil and Nina find themselves in a strange position. They are very close, in fact, hugging each other.
And after Irina runs away, Nina and Danil catch themselves thinking that they are no longer fighting, but hugging. Their glances exude a cunning dangerous light of mutual sympathy, not God knows where it came from.
The light highlights an embracing couple with playful dangerously sly looks.
The music ends with the blackout.
End of the first action.
