Nikolay Lakutin
It was almost there. A play for 4 people. Comedy
Scene 3. The life of Danil and Irina.
Apartment of Danil and Irina.
A lyrical musical composition sounds, softly.
Danil and Irina are sitting on different sofas. Everyone is busy with their smartphone. They read something diligently, correspond with someone, watch news feeds on their devices, etc.
Irina (completely without emotions and any interest, without looking up from her smartphone). Danil, have you come yet?
There is a slight pause, Danil does not answer immediately, because he is very keen on correspondence in a smartphone.
Danil (completely without emotion and any interest, without looking up from the smartphone). And? Irishka, yes, I'm home. I got free early today, I've even managed to roll up a couple of rolls. How are you?
Irina (with interest in the dialogue on the web, not to her husband, without looking up from her smartphone, actively typing some text and mechanically pronouncing it). Yes… It's okay, it's good to see you. Nothing, I live. Do you remember Danka? Well, he's kind of dumb. He kept hitting on me while we were making out in your room. So I married him. Although he is not strong in mind, but he was punchy, nimble. That's what I bet on. But, alas, zero fell out. In short, by zeros. And how are you? Is the redhead still pining for you, or is it already in the past?
Danil is just now looking up from the phone, he did not listen / did not hear everything that was said before the words about the redhead.
Danil (cautiously, with interest, looking at Irina). Which redhead?
Irina shudders, wakes up, realizes that she answered the message out loud.
Danil (cautiously, with interest, looking at Irina). Is your friend Natasha pouring into your ears again about me? There was no such thing at all…
Irina feels like she's in a frying pan, trying to figure out what to do. Puts the smartphone aside, navigates the situation. She looks suspiciously at Danil, she doesn't understand what he's talking about, but it's for the best. She guesses that he missed most of her words, which is incredibly pleasing.
Danil (cautiously, with interest, looking at Irina). Why are you looking at me like that? Don't you believe it?
Irina looks with a penetrating look.
Danil changes tactics.
Danil (wriggling out). Ahhh, so you're probably talking about Masha. Masha, yes, red. I didn't even think about it right away. That's right, I met her at the market the other day. Well, Masha is Antokhin's sister.
Irina looks with suspicion and misunderstanding.
Danil (twisting out, convincingly explaining). Yes, my one-size-fits-all, Anton. Don't you remember him? He's so patchy… (He waves it off.) It doesn't matter. So this is his older sister. She helped us sometimes at school. Anton and I didn't really drag, but she just fumbled. Well, we met, got to know each other, and exchanged a couple of phrases. That's it.
Irina (with suspicion). All?
Danil (convincingly). And what else?
Irina (with suspicion, knowing Danil and his habits, coming up on the go). How can I tell you… as far as I am informed, you were smiling so interestingly at each other that, as it were… The question arises, is there something hidden behind these smiles?
Danil (convincingly). Irka, what are you doing? I'm telling you, slap your informants in the ears so that they don't spread nonsense beyond their inflamed imagination.
Irina (with suspicion, knowing Danil and his habits). Watch me!
Irina sighs with relief and picks up her smartphone again.
Danil (changing the subject). I'm looking, but I wonder where you're looking all the time!
Irina is straining. Silent. Waiting for explanations.
Danil (attacking). I'm not coming home from work, so you're all right completely and completely in your smartphone. I understand that in recent years you have been living not with me, but with him.
Irina (startled, interrupting). With whom, with him???
Danil (calmly explaining). With a smartphone!
Irina (relieved). And… well… yes… Well, too, it's not that I live directly.
Danil (more emotionally). You're not getting out of it!
Irina (defiantly). Oh, and you're just climbing out!
Danil (excited). I'm working for a second! And at home I want to relax, I have the right to sit, play and chat. Who else should I talk to at home? Not with you, right?
Irina (defiantly). But at least!
Danil (putting aside the phone, which, though without attention, he still held in his hand all this time). Well, come on, let's try, let's talk.
Irina also puts her phone aside.
Both turn to each other. They look at each other. Even from time to time they take a breath in their chest, and as if they are going to start a conversation, but at the last moment they change their mind, turn their gazes to the side.
In general, they have nothing to talk about.
Several attempts on both sides to speak.
Silence.
Danil (nodding to the situation, philosophically). We had a great conversation.
Everyone is reaching for their smartphone again, and they continue to spend their time and attention on the virtual world.
ZTM.
Scene 4. Conversation of Danil and Oleg.
Late evening. Street. Yard.
Darkness. Female moans, shouts and other echoes characteristic of intimate and satisfying active activity are heard. Male moans are less vivid, but also present in this idyll.
The light turns on smoothly, Oleg and Danil, leaning on some element of the playground (or some other yard piece of architecture) with bottles of something wrapped (supposed beer), talk casually, look enthusiastically at the window of a high-rise building, "spend time culturally."
Oleg (after listening to a good portion of gasps and sighs coming from the slightly open window). Look how they charge. Right candy-bouquet period they have there. It's very expensive to listen to.
Danil (with a calm face, after listening to a few more shouts). Yes, not …, the candy-bouquet period has long ended for them. This is practically everyday life. But there is still a fuse, apparently. Eeeee, there's still gunpowder in the flasks!
Oleg (with some degree of condemnation). Danil, I've always been surprised by your ability to talk about what you don't know about. Well, what makes you think that the candy-bouquet period is over for them?
There is a bright splash of emotions from the window.
Oleg (pointing to the window). Oh! Have you heard how they have everything there? I didn't have it with my Nina even at the very beginning, not like now. And do you see how it happens to people? No, brother, it smells like kerosene. And just about to be spilled between the hearts of these two figures, and set on fire by some skillful cherub who knows his business perfectly.
There is another batch of emotional shouts from the window.
Danil (with a calm face, after listening to a few more shouts). And I will answer! First of all, not a brother, but a friend!
Oleg (with interest). So I'm not literally. Of course, a friend. And what, secondly?
Danil (with a calm face). And secondly, I know this couple very well. They have been dating for a long time. In fits and starts, though, from time to time, but for a long time. I suspect that their anniversary is coming soon.
Oleg (with interest, and some disbelief). You're at it again… That's how? How can you know all this? Tell me honestly, are you making it up on the go?
Danil (with a calm face). I'm not making anything up.
Oleg (egging on). Yeah, you'll say that someone from this couple personally tells you all the details, right?
Danil (with a calm face). I can't really say anything about the peasant, I've only seen him a few times, briefly. Nothing such a man, quite suitable.
A new batch of groans and gasps is heard. Mostly female shouts.
Danil (with a calm face). And I know the lady who's been soloing for an hour well.
Oleg (biased, incredulous). Oh, stop it! He knows everyone, he knows about everything.
Oleg starts drinking.
Danil (with a calm face). And how can I not know if it's my own wife.
Oleg drops the bottle, drenches himself in confusion, blowing everything out of his mouth with force that managed to get there.
Danil calmly takes a sip from his bottle, looks out the window with satisfaction.
Danil (approvingly). Everyone seems to have had enough. Today I will have a silk one. She is silk at home after these meetings. Just a human soul!
Oleg picks up his bottle, shakes it off, wipes the neck, to put it mildly, looks at Danil strangely.
Danil (looking questioningly at Oleg). What?
Oleg (cautiously). That is, there… (Pointing towards the window.) Irina? Your wife?
Danil (calmly). Yeah.
Oleg (cautiously). And she's there with someone… yeah?
Danil (calmly). Yeah.
Oleg (cautiously, confused). So a… Well, as it were… Well, that's it… Well, I don't know… Is everything okay?
Danil (calmly). Everything is fine.
Oleg (cautiously, confused). Hmm…
Oleg thinks, takes a sip.
Oleg (skeptically). High relations.
Danil (cheerfully, proudly). And then! This is not a fuck-up for you, this is twenty years of marriage! Or so.
Danil takes another sip.
Oleg (with interest). No, it's understandable, it's just that you're so calm about it… I'm with mine, too, already … (Trying to remember how much… it doesn't work.) About the same. But I couldn't do that.
Danil (somewhat detached, philosophically). You couldn't, but she could…
Oleg (warily). What do you mean?
Danil (leaving the subject). Yes, no.., just blurted it out, didn't think.
Oleg (warily). Uh, no, wait. What are you? Do you know something I don't?
Danil (calming, defusing the situation). Olegych, calm down. All I know is that women… girls… of course they are angels, there are no questions, but they are angels until you get to know them properly. That's it… you look from afar, at a distance… Ah, pretty. Ah, krasava. Goes – as if writing. And the figure, and the posture. Sponges, shoulders, and what kind of eyes – you can go crazy. Divine creatures, don't go to Grandma.
Oleg (warily). So, and?
Danil (busily). What and? You've been married for so many years, and you're asking me about "and". What, is your Nina still an angel to you? Flutters on the wings of love, gives you magical looks, delights and encourages you to creative deeds? Was there ever such a thing?
Oleg (evasively). Well… it was… something like that. But for a long time everything has been completely different. Everyday life – you understand. He has not served any family in my memory yet.
Danil (matter-of-factly, approvingly). Wooooo!
Oleg (with interest and a dig). Well, what about your Irinka, is she? Does it move you to creative deeds?
Danil (with a sneer). Irka? Me? (Emotionally.) Yes, I want to strangle someone after talking to her at all! It's a snake, which is not enough! She's fucked up my whole life. Step to the right, step to the left, I will do everything! Kayak! Debriefing begins. If you didn't notice someone's lipstick on your neck and didn't erase it, then it's a scandal if you pinned someone's hair on yourself – half a hole! Smells like women's perfume – even if you climb into the loop. And once I came home without panties. In trousers, but without underpants, he left it at the scene of the "crime" in the parking lot. So they almost got torn up there! Fortunately, I was drunk in zyuzu. After a couple of hooks in the door jamb, he passed out himself. But nothing, a week later we were already talking …
Oleg (surprised). Hah! No, how would you like to? So that you can go to other people's women, and you are cordially welcomed at home after that? Yes, Irka is really an angel! You're the shitty husband!
Danil (judiciously). I'm a man! A normal healthy, mature man. Moderately goat-like, wise with everyday experience, who understood the hopelessness of the situation of the post-wedding period, a man!!! It is naive to believe that someone lives differently.
Oleg (indignantly). I live differently!
Danil (surprised). What do you mean?
Oleg (convincingly). I don't cheat on my wife and I never have.
A small pause. The men look at each other with a strange look.
Danil (confused). What, are you a fool?
Oleg (convincingly). No. Just a decent family man.
Danil (incredulously). Yes, do not treat… He didn't cheat. There are no men who don't cheat.
Oleg (convincingly). There are. And that's exactly what I am.
Danil (incredulously). Seriously, did you cheat?
Oleg (convincingly). Not once!
Danil curls his lips, is surprised, looks at Oleg as if he were an alien.
Danil (trying to believe). Well, you give. So what? Never even wanted to? Not drawn to the side?
Oleg (calmly). Well… you never know what I wanted. You can't! The bonds of marriage, all that!
Danil (sadly). No, Oleja, you're still a fool.
Oleg (on edge). I'm a fool, and you're smart! You're slinging yourself on other people's women, your wife is out… (Pointing to the window.) And you're smart for all that!
Danil (calmly). Buddy, don't get excited, I'm not angry. Fine, well done. You don't cheat on each other – and that's great. Everything suits you – God grant. And everything suits us like this. In fact, in family life it does not matter at all whether you are a fool or smart. It's important that you're happy. At least sometimes. So I'm happy. Irishka (Pointing to the window.) As you can see – too. So in our family we can say – a complete idyll. Everyone gets tired of everything, and we are happy from time to time. Sometimes we are even happy, you won't believe it, together!
