полная версия

Tobias Smollett
The Adventures of Roderick Random

While I was reflecting on this melancholy event, which had made me quite sober, one of the ladies, being piqued at some repartee that passed between us, cried, “They are all concerned!” and desired the constable to take us all into custody; an arrest which was performed instantly, to the utter astonishment and despair of us all, except Jackson, who having been often in such scrapes, was very little concerned, and charged the constable, in his turn, with the landlady and her whole bevy; upon which we were carried altogether prisoners to the round-house, where Jackson after a word of comfort to us, informed the constable of his being robbed, to which he said he would swear next morning before the justice. In a little time the constable, calling Jackson into another room, spoke to him thus: “I perceive that you and your company are strangers, and am very sorry for your being involved in such an ugly business. I have known this woman a great while; she has kept a notorious house in the neighbourhood this many years; and although often complained of as a nuisance, still escapes through her interest with the justices, to whom she and all of her employment pay contribution quarterly for protection. As she charged me with you first, her complaint will have the preference, and she can procure evidence to swear whatsoever she shall please to desire of them; so that, unless you can make it up before morning, you and your companions may think yourselves happily quit for a month’s hard labour in Bridewell. Nay, if she should swear a robbery or an assault against you, you will be committed to Newgate and tried at the next session at the Old Bailey for your life.” This last piece of information had such an effect upon Jackson, that he agreed to make it up, provided his money might be restored. The constable told him, that, instead of retrieving what he had lost, he was pretty certain it would cost him some more before they could come to any composition. But, however, he had compassion on him, and would, if he pleased, sound them about a mutual release. The unfortunate beau thanked him for his friendship, and returning to us, acquainted us with the substance of this dialogue; while the constable, desiring to speak in private with our adversary, carried her into the next room, and pleaded, our cause so effectually, that she condescended to make him umpire: he accordingly proposed an arbitration, to which we gave our assent; and he fined each party in three shillings, to be laid out in a bowl of punch, wherein we drowned all animosities, to the inexpressible joy of my two late acquaintances and me, who had been extremely uneasy ever since Jackson mentioned Bridewell and Newgate. By the time we had finished our bowl—to which, by the bye, I had contributed my last shilling—it was morning, and I proposed to move homeward, when the constable gave me to understand, he could discharge no prisoners but by order of the justice, before whom we must appear. This renewed my chagrin, and I cursed the hour in which I had yielded to Jackson’s invitation.

About nine o’clock, we were escorted to the house of a certain justice not many miles distant from Covent Garden, who no sooner saw the constable enter with a train of prisoners at his heels, than he saluted him as follows: “So Mr. Constable, you are a diligent man. What den of rogues have you been scouring?” Then looking at us, who appeared very much dejected, he continued: “Ay, ay, thieves. I see—old offenders; oh, your humble servant, Mrs. Harridan! I suppose these fellows have been taken robbing your house. Yes, yes, here’s an old acquaintance of mine. You have used expedition,” said he to me, “in returning from transportation; but we shall save you that trouble for the future—the surgeons will fetch you from your next transportation, at their expense.” I assured his worship he was mistaken in me, for he had never seen me in his life before. To this declaration he replied, “How! you impudent rascal, dare you say so to my face? Do you think I am to be imposed upon by that northern accent, which you have assumed? But it shan’t avail you—you shall find me too far north for you. Here, clerk, write this fellow’s mittimus. His name is Patrick Gaghagan.” Here Mr. Jackson interposed, and told him I was a Scotchman lately come to town, descended of a good family, and that my name was Random. The justice looked upon this assertion as an outrage upon his memory, on which he valued himself exceedingly; and strutting up to Jackson, with a fierce countenance, put his hands in his side, and said, “Who are you, sir? Do you give me the lie? Take notice, gentlemen, here’s a fellow who affronts me upon the bench but I’ll lay you fast, sirrah, I will—for notwithstanding your laced jacket, I believe you are a notorious felon.” My friend was so much abashed at this menace, which was thundered out with great vociferation, that he changed colour, and remained speechless. This confusion his worship took for a symptom of guilt, and, to complete the discovery, continued his threats, “Now, I am convinced you are a thief—your face discovers it, you tremble all over, your conscience won’t lie still—you’ll be hanged, sirrah,” raising his voice, “you’ll be hanged; and happy had it been for the world, as well as for your own miserable soul, if you had been detected, and cut off in the beginning of your career. Come hither, clerk, and take this man’s confession.” I was in an agony of consternation, when the constable, going into another room with his worship, acquainted him with the truth of the story; which having learned, he returned with a smiling countenance, and, addressing himself to us all, said it was always his way to terrify young people when they came before him, that his threats might make a strong impression on their minds, and deter them from engaging in scenes of riot and debauchery, which commonly ended before the judge. Thus, having cloaked his own want of discernment under the disguise of paternal care, we were dismissed, and I found myself as much lightened as if a mountain had been lifted off my breast.

CHAPTER XVIII

I carry my qualification to the Navy Office—the nature of it—the behaviour of the Secretary—Strap’s concern for my absence—a battle betwixt him a blacksmith—the troublesome consequences of it—his harangue to me—his friend the schoolmaster recommends me to a French Apothecary, who entertains me as a journeyman

I would most willingly have gone home to sleep, but was told by my companions, that we must deliver our letters of qualification at the Navy office, before one o’clock. Accordingly, we went thither, and gave them to the secretary, who opened and read them, and I was mightily pleased to find myself qualified for second mate of a third-rate. When he had stuck them all together on a file, one of our company asked if there were any vacancies; to which interrogation he answered “No!” Then I ventured to inquire if many ships were to be put in commission soon. At which question he surveyed me with a look of ineffable contempt; and, pushing us out of his office, locked the door without deigning us another word. We went down stairs, and conferred together on our expectations, when I understood that each of them had been recommended to one or other of the commissioners, and each of them promised the first vacancy that should fall; but that none of them relied solely upon that interest, without a present to the secretary, with whom some of the commissioners went snacks. For which reason, each of them had provided a small purse; and I was asked what I proposed to give. This was a vexatious question to me who (far from being in a capacity to gratify a ravenous secretary) had not wherewithal to purchase a dinner. I therefore answered, I had not yet determined what to give; and sneaked off toward my own lodging, lamenting my fate all the way, and inveighing with much bitterness against the barbarity of my grandfather, and the sordid avarice of my relations, who left me a prey to contempt and indigence.

Full of these disagreeable reflections, I arrived at the house where I lodged, and relieved my landlord from great anxiety on my account; for this honest man believed I had met with some dismal accident, and that he never should see me again. Strap, who had come to visit me in the morning, understanding I had been abroad all night, was almost distracted, and after having obtained leave of his master, had gone in quest of me, though he was even more ignorant of the town than I. Not being willing to inform the landlord of my adventure, I told him I had met an acquaintance at Surgeons’ Hall, with whom I spent the evening and night; but being very much infested with bugs, I had not slept much, and therefore intended to take a little repose; so saying, I went to bed, and desired to be awakened if Strap should happen to come wile I should be asleep. I was accordingly roused by my friend himself, who entered my chamber about three o’clock in the afternoon, and presented a figure to my eyes that I could scarce believe real. In short, this affectionate shaver, setting out towards Surgeons’ Hall, had inquired for me there to no purpose: from whence he found his way to the Navy Office, where he could hear no tidings of me, because I was unknown to everybody then present; he afterwards went upon ‘Change, in hopes of seeing me upon the Scotch walk, but without success. At last, being almost in despair of finding me, he resolved to ask everybody he met in the street, if perchance anyone could give him information about me! and actually put his resolution in practice, in spite of the scoffs, curses, and reproaches with which he was answered; until a blacksmith’s ‘prentice seeing him stop a porter with a burden on his back, and hearing his question, for which he received a hearty curse, called to him, and asked if the person he inquired after was not a Scotchman? Strap replied with great eagerness, “Yes, and had on a brown coat, with long skirts.” “The same!” said the blacksmith. “I saw him pass by an hour ago,” “Did you so?” cried Strap, rubbing his hands, “Odd! I am very glad of that—which way went he?” “Towards Tyburn in a cart,” said he, “if you make good speed, you may get thither time enough to see him hanged.” This piece of wit incensed my friend to such a degree, that he called the blacksmith scoundrel, and protested he would fight him for half-a-farthing. “No, no!” said the other, stripping; “I’ll have none of your money—you Sootchmen seldom carry anything about you; but I’ll fight you for love.” Were was a ring immediately formed by the mob: and Strap, finding he could not get off honourably without fighting, at the same time burning with resentment against his adversary, quitted his clothes to the care of the multitude, and the battle began with great violence on the side of Strap, who in a few minutes exhausted his breath and spirits on his patient antagonist, who sustained the assault with great coolness, till finding the barber quite spent, he returned the blows he had lent him, with such interest, that Strap, after having received three falls on the hard stones, gave out, and allowed the blacksmith to be the better man.

The victory being thus decided, it was proposed to adjourn to a cellar hard by, and drink friends. But when my friend began to gather up his clothes, he perceived that some honest person or other had made free with his shirt, neckcloth, hat, and wig, which were carried off; and probably his coat and waistcoat would have met with the same fate, had they been worth stealing. It was in vain for him to make a noise, which only yielded mirth to the spectators; he was fain to get off in this manner, which he accomplished with much difficulty and appeared before me all besmeared with blood and dirt. Notwithstanding this misfortune, such was his transport at finding me safe and sound, that he had almost stifled and stunk me to death with his embraces. After he had cleaned himself, and put on one of my shirts, and a woollen nightcap, I recounted to him the particulars of my night’s campaign, which filled him with admiration, and made him repeat with great energy an observation which was often in his mouth, namely, ‘that surely London is the devil’s drawing-room.’ As neither of us had dined, he desired me to get up, and the milkwoman coming round at that instant, he went downstairs, and brought up a quart, with a penny loaf, on which we made a comfortable meal. He then shared his money with me, which amounted to eighteen-pence, and left me with an intention to borrow an old wig and hat of his friend the schoolmaster.

He was no sooner gone, than I began to consider my situation with great uneasiness, and revolved all the schemes my imagination could suggest, in order to choose and pursue some one that would procure me bread; for it is impossible to express the pangs I felt, when I reflected on the miserable dependence in which I lived at the expense of a poor barber’s boy, My pride took the alarm, and having no hopes of succeeding at the Navy Office, I came to a resolution of enlisting in the foot-guards next day, be the event what it would. This extravagant design, by flattering my disposition, gave great satisfaction; and I was charging the enemy at the head of my own regiment, when Strap’s return interrupted my reverie. The schoolmaster had made him a present of the tie-wig which he wore, when I was introduced to him, together with an old hat, whose brims would have overshadowed a Colossus. Though Strap had ventured to wear them in the dusk, he did not choose to entertain the mob by day; therefore went to work immediately, and reduced them both to a moderate size. While he was employed in this office, he addressed me thus: “To be sure, Mr. Random, you are born a gentleman, and have a great deal of learning—and, indeed, look like a gentleman; for, as to person, you may hold up your head with the best of them. On the other hand, I am a poor but honest cobbler’s son: my mother was as industrious a woman as ever broke bread, till such time as she took to drinking, which you very well know; but everybody has failings—Humanum est errare. Now myself, I am a poor journeyman barber, tolerably well made and understand some Latin, and have a smattering of Greek; but what of that? Perhaps I might also say, that I know a little of the world; but that is to no purpose,—though you be gentle, and I simple, it does not follow, but that I who am simple may do a good office to you who are gentle. Now this is the case: my kinsman, the schoolmaster—perhaps you did not know he how nearly he is related to me—I’ll satisfy you in that presently; his mother and my grandmother’s sister’s nephew—no, that’s not it!—my grandfather’s brother’s daughter—rabbit it! I have forgot the degree. But this I know, he and I are cousins seven times removed.” My impatience to know the good office he had done me, got the better of my temper, and I interrupted him at this place with the exclamation, “If the schoolmaster or you can be of any advantage to me, why don’t you tell me without all this preamble?” When I pronounced these words with some vehemence, Strap looked at me for same time with a grave countenance, and then went on: “I’m very sorry to see such an alteration in your temper of late; you were always fiery, but now you are grown as crabbed as old Periwinkle the drunken tinker, on whom you and I (God forgive us!) played so many unlucky tricks while we were at school—but I will no longer detain you in suspense, because (doubtless) nothing is more uneasy than doubt—Dubio procul dubio nil dubius. My friend or relation, or which you will, or both, the schoolmaster, being informed of the regard I have for you; for you may be sure I did not fail to let him know of your good qualities—by the bye, he has undertaken to teach you the pronunciation of the English tongue, without which, he says, you will be unfit for business in this country—I say my relation has spoke in your behalf to a French apothecary who wants a journeyman; and on his recommendation you may have fifteen pounds a year, bed and board, whenever you please.” I was too much interested in this piece of news to entertain it with indifference; but, jumping up, insisted on Strap’s immediately accompanying me to the house of his friend, that I might not lose this opportunity through the least delay or neglect on my part.

We were informed, that the schoolmaster was in company at a publichouse in the neighbourhood, whither we repaired, and found him drinking with the very individual apothecary in question. When he was called to the door at our desire, and observed my impatience, he broke out into his usual term of admiration. “Oh! I suppose, when you heard of this offer, you did not take leisure enough to come downstairs, but leaped out of the window: did you overturn no porter nor oyster-woman in your way? It was a mercy of God you did not knock your brains out against some post in your career. Oh, my conscience! I believe, had I been in the inmost recesses of my habitation—the very penetralia—your eagerness would have surmounted bolts, bars, decency, and everything. The den of Cacus, or sanctum sanctorum, could not have hid me from you. But come along the gentleman of whom I spoke is in the house; I will present you to him forthwith.” When I entered the room, I perceived four or five people smoking, one of whom the schoolmaster accosted thus: “Mr. Lavement, here’s the young man of whom I spoke to you.” The apothecary, who was a little old withered man, with a forehead about an inch high, a nose turned up at the end, large cheek-bones that helped to form a pit for his little gray eyes, a great bag of loose skin hanging down on each side in wrinkles, like the alforjos of a baboon, and a mouth so much accustomed to that contraction which produces grinning, that he could not pronounce a syllable without discovering the remains of his teeth, which consisted of four yellow fangs, not improperly, by anatomists, called canine. This person, I say, after having eyed me some time, said, “Oho, ‘tis ver well, Monsieur Concordance; young man, you are ver welcome, take one coup of bierre—and come to mine house to-morrow morning; Monsieur Concordance vil show you de way.” Upon this I made my bow, and as I went out of the room could hear him say, “Ma foi! c’est un beau garcon; c’est un gaillard.”

As I had by my own application, while I served Crab, acquired the French tongue well enough to read authors written in that language and understand anything that occurred in conversation, I determined to pretend ignorance to my new master, that he and his family, whom I supposed to be of the same country, not being on the reserve before me, I might possibly discover something in discourse, which would either yield me amusement or advantage. Next morning Mr. Concordance carried me to the apothecary’s house, where the bargain was made, and orders given to provide an apartment for me immediately. But before I entered upon business the schoolmaster recommended me to his tailor, who gave me credit for a suit of clothes, to be paid out of the first moiety of my wages, and they were begun upon that very day; he afterwards accommodated me with a new hat on the same term: so that in a few days I hoped to make a very fashionable appearance. In the meantime, Strap conveyed my baggage to the place allotted for me, which was a back room up two pair of stairs, furnished with a pallet for me to lie upon, a chair without a back, a bottle by way of candlestick, and a triangular piece of glass instead of a mirror; the rest of its ornaments having been lately removed to one of the garrets, for the convenience of the servant of an Irish captain, who lodged in the first floor.

CHAPTER XIX

The character of Mr. Lavement, his wife and daughter—some anecdotes of the family—the mother and daughter rivals—I am guilty of a mistake that gives me present satisfaction, but is attended with troublesome consequences

Next day, while I was at work in the shop, a bouncing damsel well dressed came on pretence of finding a vial for some use or other; and taking an opportunity, when she thought I did not mind her, of observing me narrowly, went away with a silent look of disdain. I easily guessed her sentiments, and my pride took the resolution of entertaining the same indifference and neglect towards her. At dinner the maids, with whom I dined in the kitchen, gave me to understand that this was my master’s only daughter, who would have a very handsome fortune, on account of which, and her beauty, a great many young gentlemen made their addresses to her—that she had been twice on the brink of marriage, but disappointed by the stinginess of her father, who refused to part with a shilling to promote the match; for which reason the young lady did not behave to her father with all the filial veneration that might be expected. In particular she harboured the most perfect hatred for his countrymen; in which disposition she resembled her mother, who was an English-woman; and, by the hints they dropped, I learned the gray mare was the better horse—that she was a matron of a high spirit, which was often manifested at the expense of her dependents; that she loved diversions, and looked upon miss as her rival in all parties—which was indeed the true cause of her disappointments; for had the mother been hearty in her interest, the father would not have ventured to refuse her demands. Over and above this intelligence, I, of myself, soon made more discoveries. Mr. Lavement’s significant grins at his wife, while she looked another way, convinced me that he was not at all content with his lot; and his behaviour in presence of the captain made me believe his chief torment was jealousy. As for my own part, I was considered in no other light than that of a menial servant, and had been already six days in the house without being honoured with one word from either mother or daughter; the latter (as I understood from the maids) having at table one day expressed some surprise that her papa should entertain such an awkward mean-looking journeyman. I was nettled at this piece of information, and next Sunday (it being my turn to take my diversion) dressed myself in my new clothes to the greatest advantage, and, vanity apart, made no contemptible figure.

After having spent most part of the day in company with Strap and some of his acquaintance, I came home in the afternoon, and was let in by miss, who not knowing me, dropped a low curtsey as I advanced, which I returned with a profound bow, and shut the door. By the time I had turned about, she had perceived her mistake, and changed colour, but did not withdraw. The passage being narrow, I could not get away without jolting her; so I was forced to remain where I was with my eyes fixed to the ground, and my face glowing with blushes. At length, her vanity coming to her assistance, she went away tittering, and I could hear her pronounce the word ‘creature!’ From this day forward, she came into the shop fifty times, every day upon various pretences, and put in practice so many ridiculous airs, that I could easily perceive her opinion of me was changed, and that she did not think me altogether an unworthy conquest. But my heart was so steeled against her charms by pride and resentment, which were two chief ingredients in my disposition, that I remained insensible to all her arts; and notwithstanding some advances she made, could not be prevailed upon to yield her the least attention. This neglect soon banished all the favourable impressions she felt for me, and the rage of a slighted woman took place in her heart; this she manifested not only in all the suggestions her malice could invent to my prejudice with her father, but also in procuring for me such servile employments as she hoped would sufficiently humble my spirit. One day in particular, she ordered me to brush my master’s coat; but I refusing, a smart dialogue ensued, which ended in her bursting into tears of rage; when her mother interposing, and examining into the merits of the cause, determined it in my favour: and this good office I owed not to any esteem or consideration she had for me, but solely to the desire of mortifying her daughter, who on this occasion observed, that let people be never so much in the right, there were some folks who would never do them justice, but, to be sure, they had their reasons for it, which some people were ignorant of, although they despised their little arts. This insinuation of some people and some folks put me upon observing the behaviour of my mistress more narrowly for the future: and it was not long before I had reason to believe that she looked upon her daughter as a rival in the affections of Captain O’Donnell, who lodged in the house.

In the meantime, my industry and knowledge gained me the goodwill of my master, who would often say in French, “Mardy! c’est un bon garcon.” He had a great deal of business; but he was mostly employed among his fellow refugees, his profits were small. However, his expense for medicines was not great; for he was the most expert man at a succedaneum of any apothecary in London, so that I have been sometimes amazed to see him, without the least hesitation, make up a physician’s prescription, though he had not in his shop one medicine mentioned in it. Oyster-shells he could convert into crab’s eyes; common oil into oil of sweet almonds; syrup of sugar into balsamic syrup; Thames water into aqua cinnamoni; and a hundred more costly preparations were produced in an instant, from the cheapest and coarsest drugs of the materia medica: and when any common thing was ordered for a patient, he always took care to disguise it in colour or taste, or both, in such a manner that it could not possibly be known; for which purpose cochineal and oil of cloves were of great service. Mr. Lavement had attempted more than once to introduce a vegetable diet into his family, by launching out into the praise of roots and greens, and decrying the use of flesh, both as a physician and philosopher; but all his rhetoric could not make one proselyte to his opinion, and even the wife of his bosom declared against the proposal.

One afternoon, when her husband was abroad, and his daughter gone to visit, this lady ordered me to call a hackney-coach, in which she and the captain drove towards Covent Garden. Miss came home in the evening, and, supping at her usual hour, went to bed. About eleven o’clock my master entered, and asked if his wife was gone to sleep: upon which I told him, my mistress went out in the afternoon, and was not yet returned. This was like a clap of thunder to the poor apothecary, who starting back, cried, “Mort de ma vie! vat you tell a me? My vife not at home!” At that instant a patient’s servant arrived with a prescription for a draught, which my master taking, went into the shop to make it up with his own hand. While he rubbed the ingredients in a glass mortar, he inquired of me, whether or no his wife went out alone; and no sooner heard that she was in company with the captain, than with one blow he split the mortar into a thousand pieces, and grinning like the head of a bass viol, exclaimed, “Ah, traitresse!” It would have been impossible for me to have preserved my gravity a minute longer, when I was happily relieved by a rap at the door, which I opened, and perceived my mistress coming out of the coach. She flounced immediately into the shop, and addressed her husband thus: “I suppose you thought I was lost, my dear. Captain O’Donnell has been so good as to treat me with a play.” The reply, it may be supposed, was anything but courteous but the captain, who had been all the time at the door discharging the coach, entered, and Mr. Lavement, changing his tone, saluted him with all the usual politesse of a Frenchman.

Shortly after this event, by the knowledge which I acquired of the family secrets, my life became much more agreeable; and as I every day improved in my knowledge of the town I shook off my awkward air by degrees, and acquired the character of a polite journeyman apothecary.